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Wayback Wednesday: No good deed goes unpunished

opinion
Sep 23, 20202 mins
DatabasesIT Leadership

Self-serve is not our thing.

Computerworld  |  Shark Tank
Credit: Computerworld / IDG

This pilot fish’s post-college job for a credit card company largely involves typing data from telemarketers into a database and then printing out stacks of reports every night.

“One day, I got the bright idea to put my IT degree to good use and recommend putting the reporting data on the company intranet,” fish says. “That would save me the step of having to print and reprint reports every night at the end of my shift — and save a few trees.”

So fish develops a simple, cheap proposal: nothing new required except a new web server. Then he pitches the idea to his boss, who asks a lot of questions but eventually says OK. She pitches the idea to her boss, who green-lights it — so long as it stays within its tiny budget and actually delivers the benefits.

Fish builds the new web server to tap into the reporting database, writes a web app to let users navigate the web-based reports, and creates a security model to keep the data secure.

At testing time, all the sales team managers are impressed — now they’ll be able to get their reports as soon as the data is input every night.

Rollout day comes. That evening, fish sends logins for the new system to all the sales managers and reminds them that their reports are on the company intranet.

Next day, everything seems to be fine — until fish’s boss gets an urgent call from her own boss to come to an emergency meeting with the sales team managers.

“She came out of the meeting a bit battered and bruised, and asked me to print up the reports for the managers and deliver them immediately,” says fish.

“Apparently, the managers didn’t realize that they would have to print out their own reports, and liked the idea of someone doing it for them. They created their own benefit analysis that showed how much it would cost them to print their reports, with a lot of overly exaggerated costs. I was shocked.

“But it wasn’t a total loss. Some managers actually asked me to stop printing their reports after they realized how the system worked and how easy it was to use. They have since stopped printing the reports for managers and my system is still in place today.”

sharky

Questions that Sharky gets a lot

Q: What's a pilot fish?

A: There are two answers to that question. One is the Mother Nature version: Pilot fish are small fish that swim just ahead of sharks. When the shark changes direction, so do the pilot fish. When you watch underwater video of it, it looks like the idea to change direction occurred simultaneously to shark and pilot fish.

Thing is, sharks go pretty much anywhere they want, eating pretty much whatever they want. They lunge and tear and snatch, but in so doing, leave plenty of smorgasbord for the nimble pilot fish.

The IT version: A pilot fish is someone who swims with the sharks of enterprise IT -- and lives to tell the tale. Just like in nature, a moment's inattention could end the pilot fish's career. That's life at the reef.

Q: Are all the Sharky stories true?

A: Yes, as best we can determine.

Q: Where do the Sharky tales come from?

A: From readers. Sharky just reads and rewrites and basks in the reflected glory of you, our readers. It is as that famous fish-friendly philosopher Spinoza said, "He that can carp in the most eloquent or acute manner at the weakness of the human mind is held by his fellows as almost divine."

Q: Do I have to write my story in Sharky-ese?

A: No. Not at all. Just be sure to give us details. What happened, to whom, what he said, what she said, how it all worked out. If Sharky likes your tale of perfidy, heroism or just plain weirdness at your IT shop, he will supply his particular brand of Shark snark.

Q: I've got a really funny story, but I could get fired if my old trout of a boss found out I told you. How confidential is what I send to Sharky?

A: We don't publish names: yours, your boss's, your trout's, your company's. We try to file off the serial numbers, though there's no absolute guarantee that someone who lived through the incident won't recognize himself. Our aim is to share the outrageous, knee-slapping, milk-squirting-out-your-nose funny tales that abound in the IT world, not to get you fired. That would not be funny.

Q: How do I get each new Shark Tank tale emailed to me?

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Q: Where are the Sharkives?

Tales of old can be found in Sharky's archive.

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